Psychedelic High

I am back from Christmas break.  It's still Christmas Day, but I am back from my way to short Christmas break anyway.  This Christmas I learned a lot of different things and had an unbelievably fantastic 4 days of rushing, rest, relaxation, presents, food, and most importantly Family and Friends.  Christmas this year, was truly wonderful and I wish that I had had more time to spend with the people who are important to me.  

As I mentioned, there are a few things that I realized: 

1) I might actually like kids.  I enjoyed playing with a 3 year old on Saturday, I absolutely enjoyed his company and that - well that freaked me out.  

2) Great friends don't get upset if you sleep in and drop the ball.  Oh, more then that, I didn't just drop the ball, I failed to answer the phone and the door.  Apparently I was tired, didn't hear it, or the dogs failed to bark the way they should have. (I'm still not positive about what happened, but it was definitely my fault)  

3) My mom knows more then I give her credit for knowing, and she has some good advice, if I would listen.  Do I listen? Not well. But I try. I should think about trying harder. 

4) I witnessed the hospitality of a friend and his parents and was thrilled by their kindness and generosity.  I had lunch with them and ended up spending about 4 hours with them.  When I left I was so happy that I had gone, it was a happiness that I used to feel and hadn't felt for a long time.  It made me realize how much I miss "community".  Yes, the APU buzz word, but it's true, I forget how much I love being around people and enjoying their company. 

I guess, overall, I learned a little bit about relationships and friendships - what the good ones look like, and what some of mine look like.  Through all of these little lessons, I was able to gain a new, much needed perspective.  I was able to realize that some people are kind, compassionate, and loving.  I want and need more of those people in my life.  I'm to nice and I consistently let people into my life that take, hurt, and don't care, and yet I try and try to be a good friend to them.

I tend to befriend everyone, I love people, but I've learned that there are people who cause and create a train wreck in their lives and then they drag other people through it.  Some of those people, it turns out, have to go on a week long psychedelic high in order to "gain clarity" or clear the mind enough to even cope with the train wreck that they create in their own lives. Whether or not it allows one to clear their mind, I wouldn't know, but I do know that I really really shouldn't have to deal with it.  I was dragged into someone's train wreck.  Someone who is so bewildered and confused by their own choices that they need a psychedelic high in order to figure out if they want to be my friend.  

To this person, I say, don't bother, because it doesn't matter anymore.  I'm finally doing what I should have done a long time ago.  I'm a good friend, I wish they had been to.

I don't like giving up on people, but there comes a point when there really isn't anything that can be done.  I haven't "given up" on this person, but I wish that better choices had been made.  I know that I won't be waiting at the end of this roller coaster, because it's just not fair to me, I just can't always be the support for someone who is really only a "part-time or convenient" friend.   

     

Blur.

I used to think life was black and white.  Bad versus good.  Right versus wrong.

But it's not.

Gone are the definite lines of trust, goodness, and loyalty.  They have been replaced.
Replaced by blurs of colors, lights, and shadows.  Each color means something.  Something new, something foreign.  Somethings that wasn't intended.  Another color of the Seven deadly sins.  Another color in the lethal rainbow.

I miss solid black lines on white paper.  The apparent boundaries.  Right and wrong were easily distinguished and choices were easily made.

My brain doesn't understand the blurry lines and the shifting and changing colors.  It cannot figure out the boundaries, where one color ends and another begins - or when an issue morphs into Seven Deadly Sins instead of simply one color.  Have you ever noticed that a rainbow has seven colors?  Seven colors that easily turn into a foggy, messy, maze.

The lines used to be bold, the rules easy to read.  If only things stayed that way.  If only, if only.

Boundaries become gray, cloudy, and confusing.  Positive attributes become harder to distinguish and all that is left is a sensory overload - complete and total confusion.

 

Goodbye

I'm not very good at goodbyes.  I'm just not.  Not with people I don't even really even like, and especially with people that I really care about.  I'm not the goodbye type.  I avoid them, I ignore them, I pretend like people aren't leaving, or that I'm not leaving, or that I will in fact see them in a short amount of time.  I hate goodbyes.  I'm not very good at goodbyes.

Yesterday, I went to a church commission gathering for someone that I really care about.  She's getting ready to leave the country for 2 years.  She's going to work with, love on, understand, and help the people living in a slum in another country.  She's leaving to do something that I only partially understand.... something that I can only partially understand.  I can grasp the concept of working with the urban poor, but not the actual logistics of doing so.

Plus, there would be a lot of goodbyes.  I'm not the goodbye type.  Her mission will force her to say goodbye here, and in a short time that I am sure that will fly by, she will have to say goodbyes there.  But she's doing something I wish I could do.  She's doing something that I find exciting and hopeful and beautiful and difficult.  I wish that I could rise to that type of challenge.    

I went to the church commission gathering and I cried a lot,  I genuinely think that I cried more then she did.  I cried because she's leaving.  I cried because she's saying goodbye.  Because she's saying goodbye to the family that she has found this semester, and because she's saying goodbye to me.  I cried because her family was not able to support her at the gathering because they live so far away.  I cried because for the first time since graduation, I was back at APU, in the mist of loving, caring, and generous people.  I cried.  I cried. I cried.

I know that I will see her again before she heads out of the country for the 2 year period of time.  I know that I will see her, but I'm not very good at goodbyes, so I hope that I don't have to say goodbye.  Luckily for me, I know that I will see her again after or maybe even during her 2 year adventure.  So, I know it isn't a permanent goodbye.  Thank goodness, because I'm not ready to say goodbye to her.  

Pondering the Treacherous Waters.

During one of the conversations that I had with him, he said things like "I couldn't help it", "I have little will power", and "I needed something to cheer me up".

That hurt me. No, that crushed me - and all the while he insulted me, as if I am the one who cheated.  He got mad at me and resorted to treating me poorly and saying rude things to me. 

Now I must ask: Who will cheer her up when she finds out?  Who will cheer me up for being involved?  When am I going to stop hurting for your stupidity, your selfishness, and your mistakes?  How will this effect your baby?   

I have had a lot of time to think.  A lot of time to process.  A lot of time to be mad. Sad. Numb. Heartbroken. Disgusted. Hateful. Hurting. Apathetic. 

A lot of time to hate myself. A lot of time to hate him.  

I want to hate him, but I don't.  I want to stop hating myself, but I can't.  

A lot of time to decide if I am going to force him to "rectify" the situation.  
I can't help but feel as though I should have known.  I should have guessed.  I should have never, ever, ever let him back in.  I should have continued to believe that he is toxic, like I had thought before. Like so many wonderful people in my life tried to warn.  He is toxic because he destroys everything that he touches.  Everything except his work, but even that has been a strained relationship as his own parents, the owners of the company fired him for his outrageous antics at one point.  
All that to say, I can't help but feel as though I should tell her, or make him tell her.  
I have a powerful weapon... it's called my memory.  I know things that I he doesn't realize that I know, and I remember things that he doesn't even remember telling me, and that - well that could get him into a lot of trouble. 

But It's not my business anymore.  Now that I am free of the situation, I don't think that it's my place to tell.  But I wish that someone, anyone, would have told me, which is why I wish that I could tell her.  I know that telling her might destroy any chance that he has to having a working relationship with this women, something that he began seeking only after the baby was born.  I don't want to destroy a relationship, I'm not that vindictive, but if the situation was reversed I truly believe that he would be that vindictive.  I don't want to ruin the relationship, but I wouldn't mind torching his car.   
Anyway, I think that she has the right to know, the right to make a decision that will be best for her and her child - regardless of what would be best for him.   
Throughout my life, I have seen the "cheater" turn into the "cheated on" a number of times, and while I hope that doesn't happen, I wouldn't blame her from pushing him away, or running as fast and as far as she can.

In the last conversation I had with him, I was trying to sort the lies from the truth, and he said to me "I am sorry I crushed you, I don't enjoy hurting people."  I don't know if I believe him, that could just as well be a lie, but he did crush me, and he acknowledged it.  

In trying to figure out what to do, I sought advice from a distanced third party who I find to be wise.  This person wrote a truly magnificent response to my query, it was exactly what my pondering heart needed.  He gave me a lot of advice, along with a little unexpected sign of hope and peace.  
It's as though he knew my thoughts, or read my mind, although I didn't way a word about it, he ended the email with this Bible verse: 

Psalms 34:18 - "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."     

My spirits won't be crushed forever. 



   

Life Changing Moment

I just had a life changing moment. It was epic.
It was good and bad and my worst nightmare all rolled into one tiny little piece of life altering information.

So in order to understand my epic, life changing moment, you need a little background, so here it is:
I fell in love.
I got my heart broken.
He came back - a few times - and every time he did, I let him back into my life.  He always said the right things, and made me believe that we were going to try to work out our issues.
This off and on and off again thing went on for about a year.
A few weeks ago he came back into my life.  This time I was more skeptical and uncertain then ever before, I didn't trust him, but I decided to give him a chance, to see if he was going to treat me better.

My life changing moment:
Finding out that one week and three days ago, he became a daddy.
So, that happened.  And he neglected to tell me.  In fact, he told me he was on a business trip on the day that his son was born.  So tonight, when I found out, I politely congratulated him, despite the fact that I wanted to drive to his house and throw something at him, and I wrote him out of my life.

He deceived me.  Which he had done before, but this deception was far greater.  The fact that he is willing to be a liar and a cheater is sad considering that he now has a little child that he is responsible for.  I feel bad for the child because his father isn't going to change, his father will continue his childish antics and it will be to the child's detriment.  It's heartbreaking.

This is my life altering moment, and despite how terrible it sounds, there are parts that I am happy about.  It's my worst nightmare because I have been deceived and I should have known better then to care for a man who would do something that I find to be so low and horrible.  But I also find this moment to be a moment of great clarity.  I have so much life ahead of me, this is not my end.  It's almost freeing because now I know that I can drop him from my life and have no guilt in it.  He ruined anything that could have been and that will never be my fault.

I don't care about White Gold Bling.

Today I officially made a decision about something that I've tossed around in my mind for a while.  My decision is this:

I don't really need or want an engagement ring.... I mean, I'm not even really dating anyone and it really doesn't matter at the moment, but my point is that I don't really need any white gold bling in my life time..  There are, however, things that I want instead.

I often joke that I will marry the man that buys me laser hair removal and a male Silver Labrador PUPPY.

Why?

Because those are the things I want instead of diamonds and gold :)
People can put a specific monetary value on a ring, a price if you will, and although the things that I want cost money, they are actually priceless.

New. New. New. Job. School. Stuff.

I have finally started my new job.  It's been a little bit different than expected because I was hired for one position but am currently working in a completely different position because another person decided to leave the company.  Working in this position is definitely going to test moments of my patience because I'm doing something that I never wanted to do and I don't particularly love.  However, the benefits far out weigh my former statement.  I love the office and I love working with my new coworkers in a really great atmosphere.  Although I am doing something much different than I was  hired to do, and something that I had never intended on doing, I think that it is the best learning experience I could have at this moment.  I've gotten a lot of really great work experience, but this new position is going to help me further build my resume by giving me experience in a new field in the business industry.      

I've also started school.  It's hard.  Not so much because the academics are difficult or mind-blowing, it's hard because it's time consuming.  I've always hated 3 hour classes.  I thrive in an 1:30 minute class period environment, after that I struggle to pay attention, especially after an 8 or 9 hour work day.  But anyway, all of my classes for this semester are at least 3 hours long, the longest one is 5 and a half hours long,,,. on a Saturday.  Anyway, with work and all of life's craziness, it's exhausting.  Even though there are days that I come home dead on my feet, I love school and I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to learn something new and try something different.  I just wish that it wasn't going to take me so long to get my license.  It's going to take a lot of money, and probably 2 years before I will have finally completed the licensing requirements.  But at least I will have a lot of new opportunities for work and for entertainment at that point.  

   

       

 

I'm crazy, but aren't we all?

Yesterday, someone close to me confirmed that I am CRAZY.  This person lessened the blow by telling me that it was okay, they are crazy too.  But guess what?  Being "CRAZY" doesn't bother me one bit.  Not even a little.  I recently decided to pursue a different career.  One that will take me out of the state of a while I finish training and schooling and one that will force me to travel often and do something different every single day once I finally begin my career.

I'm crazy, but aren't we all?  Don't we all decided that we want to do something at some point that is out of our norm or doesn't exactly fit with what we've done in the past?

As some of you might already know, the job opportunity that I had over the past year has been an absolute nightmare, and I've hated almost every second
Realizing that I hated my first post-college job has lead me to believe that exploring is more important than anyone every told me it was.  In life it's important to do something, but at times, one must try doing something new.  

One of my new professors, upon bringing to light the fact that I am the only female in the class, proceeded to ask me why I was there and what I wanted out of pursuing a new and different route of education.  I told him a little bit about my story.  To which he responded, "Well, I'm glad you're here, welcome to my class, gentlemen please welcome Ms. Jenae.... and Jenae, you need to remember to explore everything, but DO whatever makes you happy."

We'll see what happens. 

My Favorite Friday Nights

My favorite Fridays include a 4 hour nap.  I love those days.  The FRIdays where I come home from work and I get to knock out for as long as I want.  Sometimes I end up sleeping till Saturday.  Somedays, like today, I sleep for four hours, get up and end up cooking an entire feast.  

This week I have been especially tired because I started a new "get in shape" work out program.  I've actually gotten to do some boxing and some yoga, both of which I absolutely love.  My goal is to lose a bunch of fat while gaining about 5 pounds of muscle - and to actually maintain it. 

Wish me luck. 

Especially with school starting soon.  Where will I find the time?  I have no idea. 

      

I need ADVENTURE!

Hello All, 

Guess what?  You will never guess, let me just tell you.... 

I have decided to go back to school.  I will be starting at the end of this month.  

I'm going to be starting off with a solid 10 units, while continuing to work full time.  

I'm going to aviation school :) I'm going to be a PILOT.  

I need this kind of adventure in my life.  Learning and finding adventure are the things that make me happy, so I am going to go find happiness and learn something really cool in the process.  

I realize that I am not going to have very little time to socialize, however, that's okay because if you ask my two best friends, I need a new hobby anyway! 

Wish me Luck!!!! 

thanks. 

My thoughts. My Life. My Journey.

After taking a short break from "all things blog", I have decided that even though my blog did not take the shape that I had initially intended, that's alright.  I have enjoyed writing my blog and I am alright with what it is.  However, I will be working on some other projects that will hopefully be more alined with my original idea and when I actually get them launched, I will definitely post about it!

Cheers!!!!

Changes to the blog are coming soon.

It's time to change my blog.  I haven't really been blogging very long, but I realize that my blog has taken a direction that I did not particularly intend, so I'm working on changing it.
I will be launching some new stuff soon.... Possibly next week, but maybe the beginning of the following week.
While this is something that I want to do,  I was also informed by my "25 year old friend", mentioned in my previous post, that my blog kinda needs work.  Although he would never tell me that outright, he did in fact hint on that, and I value some of his opinions, so I think that I will make some changes to the blog and mold it into the blog that I had first intended it to be.

Thanks and I hope that you like reading the new and improved "Sugar, spice, and Brussels sprouts".

The hug was the kiss Goodbye.

I find the topic of loyalty to be so mind-boggling.  I form loyal allegiances fairly easily.  I’ve begun to realize that my loyal tendencies, while making me a very nice person, always land me up the river without a stupid paddle.  I have a number of amazing friends and family members that have my back, I really do, but I find it entertaining to note where other people’s allegiances lie and how they form those bonds.

I’m often the girl that goes around finding rides for drunk friends, taking them home myself, or forcing them to sit down at Denny’s with me for several hours.  I’m usually the one who texts them to make sure they got home.  I’ve saved countless girls from making poor drunken decisions and I’ve been the go-to confidant for the guys who are in the midst of a girl problem.  I generally help them figure out what is going wrong, I occasionally even coach guys (some friends, some that I’ve even dated,) on how to date better.  I call them out on their bullshit and I tell them when they are acting like a 5 year old, instead of a 25 year old.  I’m a supportive friend, and I always want my friends to know and remember that I am here to chat when they need to, and I’ll wait patiently when they need time. 

I know that there are seasons to every friendship, but I wish that it didn’t have to be that way.  I wish that I hadn’t have had to say a goodbye, for an indefinite period of time – possibly forever- to someone who’s companionship I had truly come to enjoy.  I wish that said person knew and understood what was going through my head and that I knew what was going through his, and maybe, just maybe a small disagreement wouldn’t have ruined a relationship.  I form loyal ties easily, but not everyone does, so now I must continue living life and moving forward.   I didn’t know that a simple hug would end up being the kiss goodbye, but now I do.    

So Emotional....

Sometimes, in some situations, I am overly emotional.  It's not on purpose (obviously).  There are moments when I wish that I could press "pause", deal with my emotional overload alone while everything and everyone is on "pause", and then come back to the situation calm and collected.  The truth is that sometimes I can't.  Sometimes I push to much, or not enough (although that one is more rare).  Sometimes I say to much, and rarely I say to little.  I realize now that maybe I should have taken a step back and not gotten as emotionally or physically attached to different people or different things in my life.
We all want what we want and there really is no shame or blame in recognizing it.  I want what I can't have, but then again, don't we all?
"Yup," says my beautiful roommate who is currently listening to my ramblings.....
Anyway, we all push and pull each other in different directions, but sometimes one person refuses to be swayed.  I was almost swayed and my mind, which I had thought was made up, slowly began to change and shift to someone else's pull.  Meanwhile, I was not doing a very good job at swaying, so I remained unhappy, while the other person knew little, to nothing of my unhappiness.  Sometimes things fall apart.  Sometimes we all just have to deal with it.              

The things I'm SLOWLY learning.

There are a number of things that I am slowly learning as an adult.  Life lessons can sometimes take me a while to learn and they occasionally knock me on my a** before they make it into my brain.  Here are some of the things that I've been learning:     

• I love being in the classroom, I love learning, I love education, and I need to keep that in mind.  When I'm in school I feel as though I am working toward something and trying to better myself, not just sitting in one stagnate spot in my career.  
• Being a "productive member of society" is not fun.  I thought that being an adult would be so much fun.  Getting to chose what I do and when I do it, but it's really not all that my teenage self thought it would be.  Being a "productive member of society" is so much responsibility!   
• Sometimes I forget things.  Yes, it happens.  There are times when my memory does not work as well as I think that it should.  I used to kick everyone's booty at Memory (the matching card game), and I still can if I try.  But now I actually have to work at it, before it just sorta happened.  I refuse to give up my title of Memory Queen so I will work and work to keep my throne!  
• Some things are not important.  Realistically, some things just don't matter, and stressing about them is not going to help.  There are times I need to stop and take my "chill pill" and deal with life in a non-dramatic, calm and collected manner because life's to short to freak out about nothing.  On Tuesday my car broke down.  I didn't even skip a beat or get upset, not for a single second.  I calmly called my dad and asked him what I should do, and then proceeded to continue down the path of his wonderful advice.  My car was fixed within two hours and I continued on with my day.     
• I'm crazy.  We are all crazy.  But we should not stop being crazy.  We should never stop being ourselves.  Even though people think that I am crazy, I will continue being myself, because despite all my craziness, people generally like me.  
• Happiness is a choice.  It doesn't really matter what is going on, shove all of the bad things aside and choose to be HAPPY :)  I have to get up every day and decided that I will be happy, despite that problems that I face at work, or wherever else, I will choose to be positive.  I will choose to smile.  I will choose happiness.  

He's not speaking English, He's speaking "MALE"...

And I'm guilty of speaking "FEMALE".  

Throughout my daily dealings with friends, co-works, dates, and what-have-you, I've begun to realize that I often speak "female".  The men around me often speak "male", and honestly, between these two languages that must be translated to English, there are some serious translation issues.

Like in every language, there are moments when something cannot be accurately translated.  There are times when the only people who really understand what I am saying are those that are born into the language.  Thus, something that I try to explain and translate into English will never, ever be understood in the "male" language.  

I've heard once or twice that in any type of relationship (work related, plutonic, loving, whatever) that "Communication is key."  I believe that to be true, however, I need to work on communicating the right things.  When it comes to trying to learn and understand the "male" language, I think that I must stop talking, learn to ask the right questions, and then listen to the answers.... But sometimes I don't ask the right questions and sometimes I am not the best listener.  Then again, sometimes the people I am around don't want to answer any questions and effectively break any positive attempt at communication.  

We all deal with things in different ways, however, I just wish that I could take a moment to inspect the inter-workings of the male language in order to gain insight into how to ask the proper questions without seeming to be emotional, negative, high strung, clingy, or TOO GIRLIE. 

      

But... But... But... this isn't what I wanted!

Life after college, is just that, it's life after college.  I miss college and I want the college lifestyle back!  Gone are the days when I could go out in public in my pajamas, run around campus with mismatching clothes, no makeup, and my hair undone in a frizzy mess without it seeming out of the ordinary.  Gone are the good ol' days.
I realize that at some point, we all must grow up, regardless of whether we want to admit it or not.  But as a kid, when I used to imagine my adult life, I imagined having my own money to buy whatever I wanted and I imagined having my own house so I could make my own rules.  Right now, my adult life is not meeting my previously imagined standards, but don't worry, it will happen eventually.

When I win the lottery.

     

The College/Post-College Reality.

The Post-College Reality sucks.  

It's depicted well in the picture above. 

I would gladly start with nothing, instead of starting with debt.  

I unintentionally chose to start my adult life with debt, and although I am happy about that most of the time, because I am so grateful for my education, when it comes to bill paying, I am not so happy with my decision.  I believe that most recent post-college adults are with me when I say that they are struggling to pay their bills.  Even those of us recent grads who are lucky enough to be considered "successful" are having an incredibly difficult time paying everything that we must.  

When I began college, our society promised me the "world"...  I was promised a high paying job and a successful career, and everything else that came with the American dream.  Now I'm a 23 year old post-college adult struggling to make things work as a young, single, apartment living girl in a failed economy with high taxes and complete uncertainty of if and when things will get better.  Granted, when our society promised me these wonderful things, I never thought that I would be handed the "world". However, I did think that it would be more attainable.  I believed that there would be more opportunities to compete for.  I believed that there would be jobs that would allow me a comfortable life while paying off my educational debt.  I believed that my educational loan interest rates would stay comparable to what I had originally signed up for.  I did not expect that there would be no jobs in my field, that if there are any that the wages would be so low, and that the government educational loans interest rate would double.  I never expected any of that, how could I have known?  It's frustrating.  Especially because I have seen a number of post-college adults do everything RIGHT, however, they are still stuck in the same reality of to many education loans and not enough money to pay for them all.  

I'm Goddesszilla, watch out world.

I'm so tired.  I'm so tired of being tired.

I want a vacation.  I need a vacation.  I'm determined to take a vacation soon.  If not, I will surely turn into Goddesszilla.

But guess what the great thing about Goddesszilla is?

I'm called a Goddess <3  

Oh Hello.... DON'T BE RUDE.

Today I was appalled by a situation that may or may not have occurred at work.  

Before I get into the specifics of the situation, I would like to take a moment to say that I am allergic to the world and I have a limited list of foods that I can safely eat.  

Okay, so..   Today, one of the girls at work brought in some homemade muffins and zucchini bread.  Obviously this person was very gracious and did this out the goodness of her heart.  Unfortunately, I was unable to eat any of the treats because of my dietary restrictions, however, I always thank the baker regardless, because baking takes time, energy, and money and it's nice of her to share those things with us.   One of my other co-workers proceeded to gather some of the yummy treats and head over to the baker's desk to thank her.  This co-worker of mine proceeded to thank the baker and then tell her that the next time she makes anything, she should add nuts.  Apparently the zucchini bread was lacking nuts and was not up to the co-workers expectations.  Personally, I view the co-worker's initial request for a change in the recipe to add nuts is kind of rude because it was nice enough for the baker to bring in some treats, why should she take suggestions on how to bake the treats to make any one particular person happy?         

If that was not rude enough the co-worker then said to the baker "you've made gluten free food for Jenae before, so I don't see why you can't make something with nuts for me."  This instantly ticked me off.  As I have already said, in my opinion this is quite rude because the baker never had to bring in goodies anyway and no one should expect them to be any certain way... if you don't like it or don't want it then DON'T EAT IT.   But then to add in my allergy issues as a reason that the baker should in fact include nuts in a recipe is downright annoying.  I have never asked the baker to bring in foods that I can eat, however, I am grateful when she does.  However, baking food that I can eat is a hassle and I would never expect someone to bake that way.  I also would never ask someone to add nuts or any other thing to accommodate me when they are baking or cooking, IT'S RUDE.  

Fake, Fake, and double baked.

I recently stumbled across this:

And I have a few things to say about it.
First, I would like to take a second to say that I find this hilarious and yes, I would dare to ask some women this question.  However, some women are NOT most women, and we are not all like that.
Secondly, I would like to bring attention to the girls that seem to get all of the attention.  Next time that you are out at a bar or club, take a look around and see which women are getting all of the attention.  Chances are, it's the fake blonde, with the extensions, and the fake boobs, and the fake nails and the sprayed on tan.  Now this may seem like a pretty mean statement, well it might be, but it's the truth.  I don't think that dying your hair or getting fake nails or any of the other listed activities is a bad thing, however, if you have to do all of them all of the time in order to feel good about yourself, you NEED HELP.  I also think that men need a reality check.  If you weren't giving all of these FAKE women so much attention then you wouldn't have to be going through the inconvenience of searching for a real one.  We would all be more likely to be real and true to who we are.  Men judge women for being fake but wanting a real man when they communicate to women that we can't be real and get any attention.  If we can't be real then we must be fake, but yet we are being judged for being fake.
So men, wake up, realize that there are real women out there who want your attention - and stop giving your attention to the Fake ones.

I stopped writing and started living

It's been a while since I've posted anything. I feel bad for not giving my wonderful blog the dedication that it deserves, but sometimes life just becomes more important.

I stopped writing and started living.

I took some time off because I really was in no place to write.  I really was in no place to get out of bed, but I managed to do that most of the time.  I'm not the type to sit around and enable myself from doing something fun and exciting.  I'm not the type to allow dumb people to control my life, but it happens on occasion.  I stopped writing and began pursuing other goals, went to the farmers market, spent time researching how to get into the graduate program I want to be in, and then guess what?  I started dating a great guy (who doesn't yet know this blog exists).  Anyway, the whole point of that is to say that I stopped writing because I needed to live life a little bit so that I had something to write about!

But I'm back.... watch out world :)    

Sometimes Teeth Break.

Sometimes the unexpected happens... Sometimes the unexpected is a blessing.... Sometimes the unexpected is a curse.... Sometimes your reaction to the unexpected is what chains you down or what frees you.  Maybe? I think so.   I'm slowing learning, life is a learning process.  I wish I had better reactions to all the bad.  I wish that I didn't get cranky when I'm upset.  I wish that I knew what to do.  I wish I knew the future.  I wish I knew how each decision would effect the future, so then I would know the decision to make.

Life is a string of decisions and reactions... I want to make the right decisions and I want to react positively to them.  Ehhh.

Where do you RANK?

As a single, twenty-something, recent college graduate, and liver of life, I hate to be the first to make everyone stop and take notice, but it is that time again... Yes, the time where you constantly feel nauseous and just want to throw up because all you hear is wedding bells and wedding talk, and you frequently get those pretty little envelopes that scream, "here is another wedding season, is your wallet prepared?".
As a number of my friends prepare to take the big leap and sell their soul, I can't help but question where I rank.... Yes, what is my friend rating?  Am I cool enough to be in the wedding party? Am I even invited to the wedding? If I am, am I at the loser table?  You know the one, the one where all the left over, extra, "I don't know what to do with you" people end up.  Yes, that is the loser table.  During the wedding season, I can't help but take a second to laugh at the changes that people go through.  Have you had that friend that you have really stuck your neck out for but they you are conveniently cut from the guest list completely?  It cracks me up and it is a bit disappointing, but my wallet thanks them!
While I make is seem like I might not believe in taking that long walk down the aisle, I actually do.  And you better believe that on the off chance that I someday get to take a (meaning one) walk down the aisle, I will have a very small wedding and be cutting out people in the same way that I am criticizing them for doing.  However, I am giving you fair warning that this is in fact a double standard.  I hate double standards, but for this and only this, I will let it slide.  Why? because weddings are expensive.  Plus, I don't really want to go to all of them I would have to go to assuming that I were actually invited to all of my friend's weddings.  Then there is that last issue, the issue of finding a date.  While all my friends are running off in a rush to get married, I sometimes go out with a guy that I affectionally like to think of as my "sometimes, almost, sorta, not boyfriend", who refuses to admit that we might actually be dating, or other boys who ask (I can do that, I'm single).  So please, enjoy your beautiful engagement rings, your pretty dresses, and your wedding stress.  Meanwhile, I will sit at home pretending that I don't know that your wedding is approaching and ignoring that fact that even if I were going, I would literally have to twist a "sometimes, almost, sorta, not boyfriend's" arm into actually making an appearance and bringing light to the idea that I might NOT be single and alone for the rest of my life.

What are your pet peeves?  I mean, what truly annoys the hell out of you?
 
I think that my biggest pet peeve is probably rude people.  Yes, that it is.
                                                 WhY?
Because it encompasses so many other pet peeves, and lets face it, I'm not
the most patient of people and I may or may not have a large number of
pet peeves.  When I say that my biggest pet peeve is rude people, I could
mean the guy who cut in front of me in line, my roommate who refuses
to do her dishes, my good friend who is always a half-hour late to our
lunch dates, someone saying her or she will call but doesn't, or any number
of other behaviors that are deemed by my current cultural society to be "rude".

While all of the "pet peeves" that I have listed could be considered rudeness
in its true form, they could also be considered accidents.  For example the
man in the grocery store line may not have realized that I was waiting;
or my roommate simply did not have time do her dishes and plans to later;
or my good friend has to sit through unpredictable traffic; or someone's
phone broke so they were unable to call; or or or.....

I do not like rude people.  But maybe the people I deem to be "rude" really
aren't being rude at all.  Maybe I should give him or her the benefit of the doubt.

The past 24 hours have really been something.  Less than 24 hours ago I wrote about how much I needed a road map for this adventure we call life.  Now that the burning anger I had been feeling has subsided, I realize that I don't need a road map, all I really needed was to stand up for myself and reach into the jar of confidence I used to freely display but have recently hidden from the world.  It's these moments when I can think about every thought, word, and feeling and can evaluate who I have become vs. who I want to be and what I've been doing vs. what I want to do.
I don't always know what I want, but I know what I don't want.
I don't want to settle.  I don't want to settle in any part of my life.  I don't want to settle for a job that I hate simply because it pays the bills.  I don't want to settle for a job that doesn't pay well just because I like it.  I don't want to settle for ugly shoes, or  decorations in my bedroom that I hate, or a coffee maker without a automatic set to begin brewing promptly at 5:20 AM, or a car that is affordable but undesirable.  I also don't want to settle on cheap shampoo & conditioner, crappy skin care products, ketchup & BBQ sauce or Peanut Butter (because off brands taste like crap).  Granted, most the the things that I've listed are very superficial, but there is so much more to REFUSING TO SETTLE.
So many of us settle in our social life and relationships.  I'm not simply talking about our romantic relationships, but I'm talking about every social encounter we have.  As for me, I'm a talker, I will literally and genuinely talk to anyone - a stranger in the grocery store, the strange bird lady in the park, the man talking about Never-Never land at Starbucks yesterday while tutoring what I believe to be an international student (He was pretty cute by the way, not gonna lie).  Anyway, the list is endless.  I want to talk to people.  I don't want to settle for being passed by as if I don't exist.  I don't want to settle for being a grocery story recipe, a bank account number, or anything else that doesn't have a hint of personality, spark, or smile.  I don't want to settle for apathy.  I don't want to settle for ignored.  I don't want to settle for half-assed.
I don't want to settle at all.
But the fight for more and the idea of settling is such a daunting battle,  a battle that so many people lose on a daily basis.  It's unfortunate because in that moment of surrender to the complacent thought of settling, one loses a little piece of themselves - a dream, a spark, a desire, a passion - in that moment, something is lost.  Although I believe it can be found, I think that the finding is a long and difficult road that few ever travel.  Why?  Because once one has chosen to settle, refusing to settle becomes that much harder.  It's easy to pass by a road you've never seen and never wanted to walk, but it's so much harder to turn around on a road that you've already started traveling because you don't know what's ahead.  You sit and wonder, "do I turn back?", or "will this road meet the road that I should have traveled on?"  The answer is tough.  The answer is a mystery.  

Plans, Road Maps, and a GPS.

At this very moment I am extremely pissed off.  Therefore, I figure it's a good time to introduce myself to my present and future readers.  So Hi... I am Jenae.  I am a little bit to truthful and I have a little bit of an attitude, but I like to call it spunk, or a backbone - pick one.  Anyway,  I know that it probably doesn't make sense, introducing myself when I'm this pissed off, but I figure that if you will read my blog when I'm clenching my teeth and seeing RED then you will probably read me during my other emotional or funny moments, assuming I have any.
At this point you might be wondering why I am angry?  If you aren't, please stop reading.  On the off chance that you are actually interested in why I am upset, I will in fact tell you in detail.  I'm upset at life.  Yes, the whole entire, messy roller coaster that is my LIFE.  I am not bothered by rude people, or the weather (which is a bit dreary), or at my boss, or any other particular reason.  NO, I am upset that life is not what it was supposed to be.  It's as if the "road map" for my life was just thrown into a puddle and all of the ink began to smear and wash away.
Once upon a time, not that long ago life, life was black and white in my childish existence.  Now, in my adult mind, the black and white lines have faded to many different shades of gray.  These shades of gray are blurring and changing and life itself is becoming harder and harder to understand.  As children most of us would probably attest to being an imaginative dreamer.  Dreaming up fictional stories and characters in a fictional land, similar to Never-Never Land.  Well guess what?  I want my damn Never-Never Land back. Why? Because this place called earth is proving to be to difficult and I don't ever want to grow up.  Here, in this land, things do not go "correctly".  All of the rules and lines that were created in my childish mind have been broken, and I feel as though I'm getting lost in a sea of dark, gray, blurring charcoal.
I guess the heart of the issue is not the difficulty of a constantly changing life, the heart of the issue is the fact that my "road map" sucked.  Whatever I was told, or whatever I believed, or however I pictured the glorious realities of young-adulthood, those imaginative realities have come out to kick me on my ass and then laugh in my face.  Maybe I am a bit to realistic and not idealistic enough, but the fact remains that my "road map" is either to blurry to be deciphered or it just left me hanging in the middle of nowhere....  I want a new "road map", or a new plan, or maybe just a really smart GPS.