Psychedelic High

I am back from Christmas break.  It's still Christmas Day, but I am back from my way to short Christmas break anyway.  This Christmas I learned a lot of different things and had an unbelievably fantastic 4 days of rushing, rest, relaxation, presents, food, and most importantly Family and Friends.  Christmas this year, was truly wonderful and I wish that I had had more time to spend with the people who are important to me.  

As I mentioned, there are a few things that I realized: 

1) I might actually like kids.  I enjoyed playing with a 3 year old on Saturday, I absolutely enjoyed his company and that - well that freaked me out.  

2) Great friends don't get upset if you sleep in and drop the ball.  Oh, more then that, I didn't just drop the ball, I failed to answer the phone and the door.  Apparently I was tired, didn't hear it, or the dogs failed to bark the way they should have. (I'm still not positive about what happened, but it was definitely my fault)  

3) My mom knows more then I give her credit for knowing, and she has some good advice, if I would listen.  Do I listen? Not well. But I try. I should think about trying harder. 

4) I witnessed the hospitality of a friend and his parents and was thrilled by their kindness and generosity.  I had lunch with them and ended up spending about 4 hours with them.  When I left I was so happy that I had gone, it was a happiness that I used to feel and hadn't felt for a long time.  It made me realize how much I miss "community".  Yes, the APU buzz word, but it's true, I forget how much I love being around people and enjoying their company. 

I guess, overall, I learned a little bit about relationships and friendships - what the good ones look like, and what some of mine look like.  Through all of these little lessons, I was able to gain a new, much needed perspective.  I was able to realize that some people are kind, compassionate, and loving.  I want and need more of those people in my life.  I'm to nice and I consistently let people into my life that take, hurt, and don't care, and yet I try and try to be a good friend to them.

I tend to befriend everyone, I love people, but I've learned that there are people who cause and create a train wreck in their lives and then they drag other people through it.  Some of those people, it turns out, have to go on a week long psychedelic high in order to "gain clarity" or clear the mind enough to even cope with the train wreck that they create in their own lives. Whether or not it allows one to clear their mind, I wouldn't know, but I do know that I really really shouldn't have to deal with it.  I was dragged into someone's train wreck.  Someone who is so bewildered and confused by their own choices that they need a psychedelic high in order to figure out if they want to be my friend.  

To this person, I say, don't bother, because it doesn't matter anymore.  I'm finally doing what I should have done a long time ago.  I'm a good friend, I wish they had been to.

I don't like giving up on people, but there comes a point when there really isn't anything that can be done.  I haven't "given up" on this person, but I wish that better choices had been made.  I know that I won't be waiting at the end of this roller coaster, because it's just not fair to me, I just can't always be the support for someone who is really only a "part-time or convenient" friend.   

     

Blur.

I used to think life was black and white.  Bad versus good.  Right versus wrong.

But it's not.

Gone are the definite lines of trust, goodness, and loyalty.  They have been replaced.
Replaced by blurs of colors, lights, and shadows.  Each color means something.  Something new, something foreign.  Somethings that wasn't intended.  Another color of the Seven deadly sins.  Another color in the lethal rainbow.

I miss solid black lines on white paper.  The apparent boundaries.  Right and wrong were easily distinguished and choices were easily made.

My brain doesn't understand the blurry lines and the shifting and changing colors.  It cannot figure out the boundaries, where one color ends and another begins - or when an issue morphs into Seven Deadly Sins instead of simply one color.  Have you ever noticed that a rainbow has seven colors?  Seven colors that easily turn into a foggy, messy, maze.

The lines used to be bold, the rules easy to read.  If only things stayed that way.  If only, if only.

Boundaries become gray, cloudy, and confusing.  Positive attributes become harder to distinguish and all that is left is a sensory overload - complete and total confusion.

 

Goodbye

I'm not very good at goodbyes.  I'm just not.  Not with people I don't even really even like, and especially with people that I really care about.  I'm not the goodbye type.  I avoid them, I ignore them, I pretend like people aren't leaving, or that I'm not leaving, or that I will in fact see them in a short amount of time.  I hate goodbyes.  I'm not very good at goodbyes.

Yesterday, I went to a church commission gathering for someone that I really care about.  She's getting ready to leave the country for 2 years.  She's going to work with, love on, understand, and help the people living in a slum in another country.  She's leaving to do something that I only partially understand.... something that I can only partially understand.  I can grasp the concept of working with the urban poor, but not the actual logistics of doing so.

Plus, there would be a lot of goodbyes.  I'm not the goodbye type.  Her mission will force her to say goodbye here, and in a short time that I am sure that will fly by, she will have to say goodbyes there.  But she's doing something I wish I could do.  She's doing something that I find exciting and hopeful and beautiful and difficult.  I wish that I could rise to that type of challenge.    

I went to the church commission gathering and I cried a lot,  I genuinely think that I cried more then she did.  I cried because she's leaving.  I cried because she's saying goodbye.  Because she's saying goodbye to the family that she has found this semester, and because she's saying goodbye to me.  I cried because her family was not able to support her at the gathering because they live so far away.  I cried because for the first time since graduation, I was back at APU, in the mist of loving, caring, and generous people.  I cried.  I cried. I cried.

I know that I will see her again before she heads out of the country for the 2 year period of time.  I know that I will see her, but I'm not very good at goodbyes, so I hope that I don't have to say goodbye.  Luckily for me, I know that I will see her again after or maybe even during her 2 year adventure.  So, I know it isn't a permanent goodbye.  Thank goodness, because I'm not ready to say goodbye to her.