Sometimes Teeth Break.

Sometimes the unexpected happens... Sometimes the unexpected is a blessing.... Sometimes the unexpected is a curse.... Sometimes your reaction to the unexpected is what chains you down or what frees you.  Maybe? I think so.   I'm slowing learning, life is a learning process.  I wish I had better reactions to all the bad.  I wish that I didn't get cranky when I'm upset.  I wish that I knew what to do.  I wish I knew the future.  I wish I knew how each decision would effect the future, so then I would know the decision to make.

Life is a string of decisions and reactions... I want to make the right decisions and I want to react positively to them.  Ehhh.

Where do you RANK?

As a single, twenty-something, recent college graduate, and liver of life, I hate to be the first to make everyone stop and take notice, but it is that time again... Yes, the time where you constantly feel nauseous and just want to throw up because all you hear is wedding bells and wedding talk, and you frequently get those pretty little envelopes that scream, "here is another wedding season, is your wallet prepared?".
As a number of my friends prepare to take the big leap and sell their soul, I can't help but question where I rank.... Yes, what is my friend rating?  Am I cool enough to be in the wedding party? Am I even invited to the wedding? If I am, am I at the loser table?  You know the one, the one where all the left over, extra, "I don't know what to do with you" people end up.  Yes, that is the loser table.  During the wedding season, I can't help but take a second to laugh at the changes that people go through.  Have you had that friend that you have really stuck your neck out for but they you are conveniently cut from the guest list completely?  It cracks me up and it is a bit disappointing, but my wallet thanks them!
While I make is seem like I might not believe in taking that long walk down the aisle, I actually do.  And you better believe that on the off chance that I someday get to take a (meaning one) walk down the aisle, I will have a very small wedding and be cutting out people in the same way that I am criticizing them for doing.  However, I am giving you fair warning that this is in fact a double standard.  I hate double standards, but for this and only this, I will let it slide.  Why? because weddings are expensive.  Plus, I don't really want to go to all of them I would have to go to assuming that I were actually invited to all of my friend's weddings.  Then there is that last issue, the issue of finding a date.  While all my friends are running off in a rush to get married, I sometimes go out with a guy that I affectionally like to think of as my "sometimes, almost, sorta, not boyfriend", who refuses to admit that we might actually be dating, or other boys who ask (I can do that, I'm single).  So please, enjoy your beautiful engagement rings, your pretty dresses, and your wedding stress.  Meanwhile, I will sit at home pretending that I don't know that your wedding is approaching and ignoring that fact that even if I were going, I would literally have to twist a "sometimes, almost, sorta, not boyfriend's" arm into actually making an appearance and bringing light to the idea that I might NOT be single and alone for the rest of my life.

What are your pet peeves?  I mean, what truly annoys the hell out of you?
 
I think that my biggest pet peeve is probably rude people.  Yes, that it is.
                                                 WhY?
Because it encompasses so many other pet peeves, and lets face it, I'm not
the most patient of people and I may or may not have a large number of
pet peeves.  When I say that my biggest pet peeve is rude people, I could
mean the guy who cut in front of me in line, my roommate who refuses
to do her dishes, my good friend who is always a half-hour late to our
lunch dates, someone saying her or she will call but doesn't, or any number
of other behaviors that are deemed by my current cultural society to be "rude".

While all of the "pet peeves" that I have listed could be considered rudeness
in its true form, they could also be considered accidents.  For example the
man in the grocery store line may not have realized that I was waiting;
or my roommate simply did not have time do her dishes and plans to later;
or my good friend has to sit through unpredictable traffic; or someone's
phone broke so they were unable to call; or or or.....

I do not like rude people.  But maybe the people I deem to be "rude" really
aren't being rude at all.  Maybe I should give him or her the benefit of the doubt.

The past 24 hours have really been something.  Less than 24 hours ago I wrote about how much I needed a road map for this adventure we call life.  Now that the burning anger I had been feeling has subsided, I realize that I don't need a road map, all I really needed was to stand up for myself and reach into the jar of confidence I used to freely display but have recently hidden from the world.  It's these moments when I can think about every thought, word, and feeling and can evaluate who I have become vs. who I want to be and what I've been doing vs. what I want to do.
I don't always know what I want, but I know what I don't want.
I don't want to settle.  I don't want to settle in any part of my life.  I don't want to settle for a job that I hate simply because it pays the bills.  I don't want to settle for a job that doesn't pay well just because I like it.  I don't want to settle for ugly shoes, or  decorations in my bedroom that I hate, or a coffee maker without a automatic set to begin brewing promptly at 5:20 AM, or a car that is affordable but undesirable.  I also don't want to settle on cheap shampoo & conditioner, crappy skin care products, ketchup & BBQ sauce or Peanut Butter (because off brands taste like crap).  Granted, most the the things that I've listed are very superficial, but there is so much more to REFUSING TO SETTLE.
So many of us settle in our social life and relationships.  I'm not simply talking about our romantic relationships, but I'm talking about every social encounter we have.  As for me, I'm a talker, I will literally and genuinely talk to anyone - a stranger in the grocery store, the strange bird lady in the park, the man talking about Never-Never land at Starbucks yesterday while tutoring what I believe to be an international student (He was pretty cute by the way, not gonna lie).  Anyway, the list is endless.  I want to talk to people.  I don't want to settle for being passed by as if I don't exist.  I don't want to settle for being a grocery story recipe, a bank account number, or anything else that doesn't have a hint of personality, spark, or smile.  I don't want to settle for apathy.  I don't want to settle for ignored.  I don't want to settle for half-assed.
I don't want to settle at all.
But the fight for more and the idea of settling is such a daunting battle,  a battle that so many people lose on a daily basis.  It's unfortunate because in that moment of surrender to the complacent thought of settling, one loses a little piece of themselves - a dream, a spark, a desire, a passion - in that moment, something is lost.  Although I believe it can be found, I think that the finding is a long and difficult road that few ever travel.  Why?  Because once one has chosen to settle, refusing to settle becomes that much harder.  It's easy to pass by a road you've never seen and never wanted to walk, but it's so much harder to turn around on a road that you've already started traveling because you don't know what's ahead.  You sit and wonder, "do I turn back?", or "will this road meet the road that I should have traveled on?"  The answer is tough.  The answer is a mystery.  

Plans, Road Maps, and a GPS.

At this very moment I am extremely pissed off.  Therefore, I figure it's a good time to introduce myself to my present and future readers.  So Hi... I am Jenae.  I am a little bit to truthful and I have a little bit of an attitude, but I like to call it spunk, or a backbone - pick one.  Anyway,  I know that it probably doesn't make sense, introducing myself when I'm this pissed off, but I figure that if you will read my blog when I'm clenching my teeth and seeing RED then you will probably read me during my other emotional or funny moments, assuming I have any.
At this point you might be wondering why I am angry?  If you aren't, please stop reading.  On the off chance that you are actually interested in why I am upset, I will in fact tell you in detail.  I'm upset at life.  Yes, the whole entire, messy roller coaster that is my LIFE.  I am not bothered by rude people, or the weather (which is a bit dreary), or at my boss, or any other particular reason.  NO, I am upset that life is not what it was supposed to be.  It's as if the "road map" for my life was just thrown into a puddle and all of the ink began to smear and wash away.
Once upon a time, not that long ago life, life was black and white in my childish existence.  Now, in my adult mind, the black and white lines have faded to many different shades of gray.  These shades of gray are blurring and changing and life itself is becoming harder and harder to understand.  As children most of us would probably attest to being an imaginative dreamer.  Dreaming up fictional stories and characters in a fictional land, similar to Never-Never Land.  Well guess what?  I want my damn Never-Never Land back. Why? Because this place called earth is proving to be to difficult and I don't ever want to grow up.  Here, in this land, things do not go "correctly".  All of the rules and lines that were created in my childish mind have been broken, and I feel as though I'm getting lost in a sea of dark, gray, blurring charcoal.
I guess the heart of the issue is not the difficulty of a constantly changing life, the heart of the issue is the fact that my "road map" sucked.  Whatever I was told, or whatever I believed, or however I pictured the glorious realities of young-adulthood, those imaginative realities have come out to kick me on my ass and then laugh in my face.  Maybe I am a bit to realistic and not idealistic enough, but the fact remains that my "road map" is either to blurry to be deciphered or it just left me hanging in the middle of nowhere....  I want a new "road map", or a new plan, or maybe just a really smart GPS.