Blur.

I used to think life was black and white.  Bad versus good.  Right versus wrong.

But it's not.

Gone are the definite lines of trust, goodness, and loyalty.  They have been replaced.
Replaced by blurs of colors, lights, and shadows.  Each color means something.  Something new, something foreign.  Somethings that wasn't intended.  Another color of the Seven deadly sins.  Another color in the lethal rainbow.

I miss solid black lines on white paper.  The apparent boundaries.  Right and wrong were easily distinguished and choices were easily made.

My brain doesn't understand the blurry lines and the shifting and changing colors.  It cannot figure out the boundaries, where one color ends and another begins - or when an issue morphs into Seven Deadly Sins instead of simply one color.  Have you ever noticed that a rainbow has seven colors?  Seven colors that easily turn into a foggy, messy, maze.

The lines used to be bold, the rules easy to read.  If only things stayed that way.  If only, if only.

Boundaries become gray, cloudy, and confusing.  Positive attributes become harder to distinguish and all that is left is a sensory overload - complete and total confusion.

 

Goodbye

I'm not very good at goodbyes.  I'm just not.  Not with people I don't even really even like, and especially with people that I really care about.  I'm not the goodbye type.  I avoid them, I ignore them, I pretend like people aren't leaving, or that I'm not leaving, or that I will in fact see them in a short amount of time.  I hate goodbyes.  I'm not very good at goodbyes.

Yesterday, I went to a church commission gathering for someone that I really care about.  She's getting ready to leave the country for 2 years.  She's going to work with, love on, understand, and help the people living in a slum in another country.  She's leaving to do something that I only partially understand.... something that I can only partially understand.  I can grasp the concept of working with the urban poor, but not the actual logistics of doing so.

Plus, there would be a lot of goodbyes.  I'm not the goodbye type.  Her mission will force her to say goodbye here, and in a short time that I am sure that will fly by, she will have to say goodbyes there.  But she's doing something I wish I could do.  She's doing something that I find exciting and hopeful and beautiful and difficult.  I wish that I could rise to that type of challenge.    

I went to the church commission gathering and I cried a lot,  I genuinely think that I cried more then she did.  I cried because she's leaving.  I cried because she's saying goodbye.  Because she's saying goodbye to the family that she has found this semester, and because she's saying goodbye to me.  I cried because her family was not able to support her at the gathering because they live so far away.  I cried because for the first time since graduation, I was back at APU, in the mist of loving, caring, and generous people.  I cried.  I cried. I cried.

I know that I will see her again before she heads out of the country for the 2 year period of time.  I know that I will see her, but I'm not very good at goodbyes, so I hope that I don't have to say goodbye.  Luckily for me, I know that I will see her again after or maybe even during her 2 year adventure.  So, I know it isn't a permanent goodbye.  Thank goodness, because I'm not ready to say goodbye to her.  

Pondering the Treacherous Waters.

During one of the conversations that I had with him, he said things like "I couldn't help it", "I have little will power", and "I needed something to cheer me up".

That hurt me. No, that crushed me - and all the while he insulted me, as if I am the one who cheated.  He got mad at me and resorted to treating me poorly and saying rude things to me. 

Now I must ask: Who will cheer her up when she finds out?  Who will cheer me up for being involved?  When am I going to stop hurting for your stupidity, your selfishness, and your mistakes?  How will this effect your baby?   

I have had a lot of time to think.  A lot of time to process.  A lot of time to be mad. Sad. Numb. Heartbroken. Disgusted. Hateful. Hurting. Apathetic. 

A lot of time to hate myself. A lot of time to hate him.  

I want to hate him, but I don't.  I want to stop hating myself, but I can't.  

A lot of time to decide if I am going to force him to "rectify" the situation.  
I can't help but feel as though I should have known.  I should have guessed.  I should have never, ever, ever let him back in.  I should have continued to believe that he is toxic, like I had thought before. Like so many wonderful people in my life tried to warn.  He is toxic because he destroys everything that he touches.  Everything except his work, but even that has been a strained relationship as his own parents, the owners of the company fired him for his outrageous antics at one point.  
All that to say, I can't help but feel as though I should tell her, or make him tell her.  
I have a powerful weapon... it's called my memory.  I know things that I he doesn't realize that I know, and I remember things that he doesn't even remember telling me, and that - well that could get him into a lot of trouble. 

But It's not my business anymore.  Now that I am free of the situation, I don't think that it's my place to tell.  But I wish that someone, anyone, would have told me, which is why I wish that I could tell her.  I know that telling her might destroy any chance that he has to having a working relationship with this women, something that he began seeking only after the baby was born.  I don't want to destroy a relationship, I'm not that vindictive, but if the situation was reversed I truly believe that he would be that vindictive.  I don't want to ruin the relationship, but I wouldn't mind torching his car.   
Anyway, I think that she has the right to know, the right to make a decision that will be best for her and her child - regardless of what would be best for him.   
Throughout my life, I have seen the "cheater" turn into the "cheated on" a number of times, and while I hope that doesn't happen, I wouldn't blame her from pushing him away, or running as fast and as far as she can.

In the last conversation I had with him, I was trying to sort the lies from the truth, and he said to me "I am sorry I crushed you, I don't enjoy hurting people."  I don't know if I believe him, that could just as well be a lie, but he did crush me, and he acknowledged it.  

In trying to figure out what to do, I sought advice from a distanced third party who I find to be wise.  This person wrote a truly magnificent response to my query, it was exactly what my pondering heart needed.  He gave me a lot of advice, along with a little unexpected sign of hope and peace.  
It's as though he knew my thoughts, or read my mind, although I didn't way a word about it, he ended the email with this Bible verse: 

Psalms 34:18 - "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."     

My spirits won't be crushed forever. 



   

Life Changing Moment

I just had a life changing moment. It was epic.
It was good and bad and my worst nightmare all rolled into one tiny little piece of life altering information.

So in order to understand my epic, life changing moment, you need a little background, so here it is:
I fell in love.
I got my heart broken.
He came back - a few times - and every time he did, I let him back into my life.  He always said the right things, and made me believe that we were going to try to work out our issues.
This off and on and off again thing went on for about a year.
A few weeks ago he came back into my life.  This time I was more skeptical and uncertain then ever before, I didn't trust him, but I decided to give him a chance, to see if he was going to treat me better.

My life changing moment:
Finding out that one week and three days ago, he became a daddy.
So, that happened.  And he neglected to tell me.  In fact, he told me he was on a business trip on the day that his son was born.  So tonight, when I found out, I politely congratulated him, despite the fact that I wanted to drive to his house and throw something at him, and I wrote him out of my life.

He deceived me.  Which he had done before, but this deception was far greater.  The fact that he is willing to be a liar and a cheater is sad considering that he now has a little child that he is responsible for.  I feel bad for the child because his father isn't going to change, his father will continue his childish antics and it will be to the child's detriment.  It's heartbreaking.

This is my life altering moment, and despite how terrible it sounds, there are parts that I am happy about.  It's my worst nightmare because I have been deceived and I should have known better then to care for a man who would do something that I find to be so low and horrible.  But I also find this moment to be a moment of great clarity.  I have so much life ahead of me, this is not my end.  It's almost freeing because now I know that I can drop him from my life and have no guilt in it.  He ruined anything that could have been and that will never be my fault.

I don't care about White Gold Bling.

Today I officially made a decision about something that I've tossed around in my mind for a while.  My decision is this:

I don't really need or want an engagement ring.... I mean, I'm not even really dating anyone and it really doesn't matter at the moment, but my point is that I don't really need any white gold bling in my life time..  There are, however, things that I want instead.

I often joke that I will marry the man that buys me laser hair removal and a male Silver Labrador PUPPY.

Why?

Because those are the things I want instead of diamonds and gold :)
People can put a specific monetary value on a ring, a price if you will, and although the things that I want cost money, they are actually priceless.

New. New. New. Job. School. Stuff.

I have finally started my new job.  It's been a little bit different than expected because I was hired for one position but am currently working in a completely different position because another person decided to leave the company.  Working in this position is definitely going to test moments of my patience because I'm doing something that I never wanted to do and I don't particularly love.  However, the benefits far out weigh my former statement.  I love the office and I love working with my new coworkers in a really great atmosphere.  Although I am doing something much different than I was  hired to do, and something that I had never intended on doing, I think that it is the best learning experience I could have at this moment.  I've gotten a lot of really great work experience, but this new position is going to help me further build my resume by giving me experience in a new field in the business industry.      

I've also started school.  It's hard.  Not so much because the academics are difficult or mind-blowing, it's hard because it's time consuming.  I've always hated 3 hour classes.  I thrive in an 1:30 minute class period environment, after that I struggle to pay attention, especially after an 8 or 9 hour work day.  But anyway, all of my classes for this semester are at least 3 hours long, the longest one is 5 and a half hours long,,,. on a Saturday.  Anyway, with work and all of life's craziness, it's exhausting.  Even though there are days that I come home dead on my feet, I love school and I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to learn something new and try something different.  I just wish that it wasn't going to take me so long to get my license.  It's going to take a lot of money, and probably 2 years before I will have finally completed the licensing requirements.  But at least I will have a lot of new opportunities for work and for entertainment at that point.  

   

       

 

I'm crazy, but aren't we all?

Yesterday, someone close to me confirmed that I am CRAZY.  This person lessened the blow by telling me that it was okay, they are crazy too.  But guess what?  Being "CRAZY" doesn't bother me one bit.  Not even a little.  I recently decided to pursue a different career.  One that will take me out of the state of a while I finish training and schooling and one that will force me to travel often and do something different every single day once I finally begin my career.

I'm crazy, but aren't we all?  Don't we all decided that we want to do something at some point that is out of our norm or doesn't exactly fit with what we've done in the past?

As some of you might already know, the job opportunity that I had over the past year has been an absolute nightmare, and I've hated almost every second
Realizing that I hated my first post-college job has lead me to believe that exploring is more important than anyone every told me it was.  In life it's important to do something, but at times, one must try doing something new.  

One of my new professors, upon bringing to light the fact that I am the only female in the class, proceeded to ask me why I was there and what I wanted out of pursuing a new and different route of education.  I told him a little bit about my story.  To which he responded, "Well, I'm glad you're here, welcome to my class, gentlemen please welcome Ms. Jenae.... and Jenae, you need to remember to explore everything, but DO whatever makes you happy."

We'll see what happens.